HOW TO KILL YOURSELF

Rocker Tommy Lee once said, "We're not here for a long time, we're here for a good time!" You tell 'em, Tommy.

Many of us follow his lead every day by shunning the most basic principles of Darwinian evolution, trying to kill ourselves through food, toxins and all manner of reckless lifestyles. If you'd like to get in on the act with Tommy, here are the Top Ten surest paths to self-destruction. Who needs a life worth living, any way?

10. Sacrifice Sleep
Inadequate sleep (less than 7 or 8 hours a night) has been tied to many different health problems, including obesity, diabetes and cancer. Mental fatigue is an equal risk factor for vehicular accidents as alcohol. SO burn that candle at both ends. And just think of all the time you'd have for destructive behavior if you stopped sleeping altogether! Eureka!

9. Ignore the Doctor
If you don't want to hear the doctor denounce the rest of these tips for self-destruction, just don't go. Early disease detection and important medical consultation will surely get in the way of your Tommy Lee lifestyle.

8. Dumb Down Your Brain
Reading, doing crosswords, tackling sudokus and other brain stimulating activities are known to ward off the effects of Alzheimers and other forms of senile dementia. So, forget trying to be smarter if you want to live a short life. Just let your brain rot, instead. The rest of you wont be far behind.

7. Sex
Sex in itself isn't bad... it's how you do it that means life or death. The smart self-destructor doesn't use protection, ignores the partner's sexual history and shuns the annual medical exam. Twelve million Americans contract sexually transmitted diseases every year, many of which leave the victim infertile. Killing yourself and preventing new births? Now there's a win-win!

6. Drive a Lot
If you want to increase your chance of living to a ripe old age, fly everywhere. Driving kills more people, aged 1 to 35, than anything else. Stay home and this becomes a non-existent threat. But what fun is that?
So hit the road and hit the gas. While you're at it, text on your cell phone, eat fast food AND neglect to buckle up.

5. Drink a Lot
The occasional drink of alcohol, especially red wine, can be beneficial to your health. But if you want to do yourself in right, overdo the two-drink-per-day limit. If you're lucky, you might become an alcoholic, contract diabetes AND get liver damage, too!

4. Stress Out
Creating more stress in your life is a great way to invite all kinds of diseases to attack the body. Chronic stress inhibits the immune system and allows disease to attack. So, if you wanna check out early, worry about everything from the color of your socks to whether dinner will be ready on time.

3. Watch More TV
Not only is television entertaining, it keeps us on the couch for hours at a time. The average American spends a full 9 years of his life glued to the boob tube. You could go ride a bike or take a walk, but that might be healthy - an we can't have anything but a wasted, sedentary existence if we want kill ourselves.

2. Smoke Tobacco
Tobacco-related illnesses are America's number two killer. So, if you really want to die early and leave your loved ones behind, light up. Just one cigarette will immediately increase your blood pressure and decrease the circulation to your extremities. Imagine what you could do with a pack!


1. Eat Junk
Here you go, number one. This isn't to say that eating healthy will undo the other nine destructive life behaviors. But, last year, at least 400,000 Americans killed themselves based almost solely on what they ate. Looking for the most effective, probably most enjoyable way to do yourself in? Have another doughnut... hell have six a day. And make them cream-filled!

Taken from the LiveScience.com website

After the tragedy of 9/11, the airline industry has taken on a serious posture. While this has meantt hat airline travel is not the fun carnival ride it was when Iwas young, it still offers some light hearted moments.
Here, for your enjoyment, are cabin announcements heard recently, "in the friendly skies."

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1. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants. Thank you."

2. Upon landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."

3. "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

4. "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling.. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, please pick your favorite..."

5. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves your money more than Southwest Airlines."

6. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

7. A flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

8. An airline pilot wrote that his airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited. After an embarrasingly hard landing, he was approached by a little old lady with a cane.
She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?"
"Why, no, Ma'am," said the fellow. "What is it?"
Without a pause, the old lady said, "Did we land... or were we shot down?"

9. After another real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on with this,
"Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. Once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

10. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."

11. After his plane reached it's comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom,
"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome aboard Flight 293, nonstop to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back, relax and... AAAAAAH! WHAT THE, - - OH, MY DEAR GOD!"

Silence followed, and the passengers were understandably worried.

After a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said in a reserved voice,

"Uh, ladies and Gentlemen, I am sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of screaming hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"